Without Hope or Despair

I have painted three times since my last report. The first time, as predicted, was pretty much of a write-off. I worked on thirteen paintings at once, maybe four of them were okay. And a good splash of ruby-pearl metallic paint on the wall of my new garage-studio. The second Saturday was better…what I had learned from the first session is that I basically started exactly where I left off when I stopped six months ago. The space the same, a bit rushed, a bit trying to do too much, a bit unsatisfied with the results. I was only expecting that I show up in the studio, that was the first thing. And then when I was finally there, I wanted to paint everything in sight. Which isn’t always the best thing for me to do.

So the second session I determined that I would slow down, take my time, paint just one, maybe two. Choose my colors carefully, enjoy the time with the color and the music, just one painting. Well I painted four that day and I liked the results very much and felt like I was back in the swing.

The first week I did thirteen paintings and I liked four of them, the second week I did four paintings and I liked four of them. I was starting to get the idea, and so the third Saturday I went back into the studio hoping to paint one large piece, and I ended up with several, nothing to speak of. So you see the ups and downs of this process? You see that it really doesn’t make that much difference what you accomplish week to week, it’s the showing up that makes the difference? Some days will be good and some not so good, but always always, some kind of learning will take place.

Once I painted all day, frustrated with the results and it wasn’t until I was scraping the paint off my hands afterwards in the shower that it dawned on me what I needed to do to solve the particular problem I was having. But I am convinced that if I hadn’t spent all day in frustration working on it I would never have had that breakthrough. So the work you put in is never wasted.

I see these waves of elation and discouragement in my students too. I see the utter frustration which comes after not having consistent results. See the thing is, we’re not consistent people. Our moods, energies, the weather, humidity, cosmology, our personal lives are chock full of changeability and that is always going to show up in our artwork. Our artwork is a reflection of our inner state. It’s a way of bringing our inner state to form in the outer world. Especially with abstract art. With abstract art it is very difficult to hide anything. A lot of people believe that abstract art is easy, so easy. I believe that in a way it is the most difficult, it is the most baring, exposing of all. It is all feeling, all you.

And so I like to think of this painting as a practice, as a job. You go to work, and you do the work and you don’t bother with judging if it’s good or not. It matters that you get the paint on the canvas. One of my favorite poets, Ted Kooser, tells other writers to “write a little every day, without hope or despair.” I’ll say, paint a little every week, without hope or despair. Just get some paint on the canvas and spend a little time with yourself, allowing yourself just to be, opening, soft, kind. Playful. Relaxed. Cultivating your sense of wonder. Delighting in the color, and light, the movement of the water. This is how your best paintings will have a chance to come through.

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